The latest post I made on this website was back in 2016, in which I described the situation I was in at that time in regards to how my life was going, my passions, concerns etc. It's a strange thing reading through a time capsule like that. Intimate emotions were brought up. At the time I felt very lost. Quite frankly, I don't completely remember what my concerns were or even the stuff that was on my mind back then. With age, the old me seems more distant. Funny how time works its magic in that sense.
This whole COVID business. Can you believe it? I find myself not realizing at times that we are in the middle of a global pandemic. Everything just seems so... normal... you know? My life hasn't really changed much this year. I'm still at home, doing my thing, existing. It's uncanny to think that this current moment in the history of time is going to be written about and remembered for years to come. Who knows what could happen in the foreseeable future. Maybe things will get a whole lot worse from here on out. That's odd to think about, honestly.
Anyway, so... 4 years later. What's new? Well, I can tell you right away that the mental anguish has persisted over the years. If there's one thing I recognize far too well in the 2016 version of me, it's that lingering sadness that never seems to go away. At times, I'm better equipped emotionally to deal with that baggage. There are days where life seems rather okay, actually. And then there are days where I feel like that little kid again. Lost, unable to control myself, feeling like the world is crashing down on me, not knowing how to deal with any of it. Life teaches you a lot, but not everything can be learned. Maybe things aren't so different after all?
Things definitely have happened, though. I moved cities about 2 years ago to study. Lived with my older brother in his tiny little apartment for 2½ months. No room to myself, sleeping in the kitchen area until we had the privilege of moving to a bigger one with a room all to myself. You wouldn't believe how relieving it was being able to just close that door and know that you have a space all to yourself where nobody can bother you. Trust me on that one.
I've met many new exciting people on my journey. Many of whom never stuck around, even if we were close friends during my time there, but I'm glad to have at least gotten the chance of sharing something special with them. Even if temporarily. I have explored new avenues, taken risks, been heartbroken, learned more about myself and life during the process. I always had regrets about things that I did wrong, things I wish I could change. But I've come to realize that the only thing I'm ever going to truly regret is NOT doing stuff. NOT experiencing life to its fullest with all of its hardships, the heartbreak, the disappointment, the trials of your character. These are all things that shape you forever.
Whatever, I get it. It's easier to say that than to actually live it. My mental state has deteriorated a lot these past years. Dying seems to be on my mind frequently. Days where I wish I could opt out and not have to deal with the agony of living. I'm exhausted all the time. I don't see a point where it gets better, honestly. I keep holding on to the hope of that sliver of a chance of a turnaround. Not wanting to hurt those I love and care about. But the light fades as time passes, and it's getting pretty dark in here.
Jeez, it's getting kinda serious now. I should stop. What else do I do nowadays? I'm glad you asked, me! My main passion in life right now is filmmaking and video editing. I have big dreams of being able to make my own productions, being able to work with people I love and make things that really speaks to the soul. Mostly for my own sake. I have a drive to make my experiences & emotions real, somehow. And what other way through a medium that I love working with?
Animation was my first real foot into the realm of creation. I have lovely memories from being young, naive, being obsessed with becoming better at it and really just making stuff all the time because it's what I enjoyed. I kinda miss that a little. But times change, you move on to new things and you never stop growing. I really hope I can make the young me proud with the things I'll work on in the future. In that regard, maybe we're more connected than ever?
And... that's it! I think I've covered most of it now. I'm sure there's a lot more I could tell you guys, but what fun would it be without a little mystery? If you made it this far, wow, congratulations! We don't know each other, but I feel like we're best friends already. Now it's your turn to tell me all about what's going on in your life! Come on, don't be shy... ;)
Alright, folks. Wishing you a continued "happy" 2020! I really hope you make the best this year, despite the unfortunate circ*mstances. Take care, everyone!
-Ludvig
